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Thomas Handsome: Krispy Kreme Is Better Than You (Commentary)

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Oh yes I fucking did.

Before I get started, let me first say that the views and expressions that you are about to read are solely mine, and mine alone. But if you feel like I feel, then I encourage you to join me in this endeavor.

For those of you who don’t watch shit on youtube or watch Tosh.0, there is a kid named Krispy Kreme who is, for a lack of a better term, a rapper on youtube. Over the past 13 months he has accumulated 3.5 million views on this video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mA-V2y7-rLA. He averages around a half a million views on his other songs on the website and seems to put a lot of effort into the quality of the visuals of his workings. He is currently unsigned and continues to be greeted with success, as far as views go at least.

Did I mention that he’s awful? Like, horribly, horribly awful? I feel as though that should be noted at this point.

And here’s the shit I did mention- he’s better than you.

I receive literally thousands of songs in my email every week (on top of a job I have reviewing songs on a licensing site- which, all you rappers out there, I we will be discussing in the near future). A few good ones, some okay ones and a lot of bad ones. These songs are bad for either one or a combination of reasons- it sounded like it was recorded in a port-o-potty on a windy day, the content is redundant, the rhyme pattern/scheme is very basic, the lyrics are off beat, the artist is trying too hard to make his long rhymes land on beat, the beat is made with stock sounds from computer programs- basically, a lot of reasons. When I hear these songs I’ve deemed as “bad” or “unusable”, seldom do I ever find myself longing to listen to more, or to listen again, because they are… well, terrible songs. Plain, terrible songs.

Krispy Kreme, on the other hand, is brilliantly terrible.

And I know it represents everything that’s wrong with Hip-Hop. I know it features a “tagged” beat that he downloaded from the parasitic website known as Soundclick and that he’s a kid from the suburbs flashing guns and talking about shit that he’s never done…. I can’t believe I just wrote that last sentence, like someone out there takes him seriously or something…. I know it’s just another youtube rapper with another meaningless song. But like a monkey eating his own shit, you can’t help but to watch in utter awe. Maybe it’s the part of me that enjoys Canadian/British humor, but that kid is entertaining as hell. His music is so bad that I actually want to hear more.

In the video I linked above, there are a lot of quotables. Matter of fact, that song is one big ass quotable. If you still haven’t seen it, even though I gave your lazy ass the link to watch the motherfucker, I will break it down for you- but after this, you’re on your own.

This kid literally claims the following:

-To be able to beat you up if you had one thousand knives

-To have more money than Jay-Z

-To have made out with every girl in the world

-To have 400 houses

-To have 400 cars

-To have 400 scars

-To have 400 guitars

-To have beaten up every person in jail

-To have fought 2 lions and won

Amongst other things.

That shit is funny- but this is where the truth is about to leave you with 400 scars.

If you recall the part of this post where I told you about how many songs that hit my email on a weekly basis, you can pretty much surmise that I’ve heard a lot of music in my time. A majority of this music is nothing but “serious rappers” claiming to have all sorts of shit that they don’t have in reality, or to have done a lot of balderdash shit that no one would actually do (notice a pattern?). However when these artists say these things in their songs- it’s not done creatively. I am not entertained. I am not eager to open up their next email. I am not inclined to reply to their mailing. I am not itching to hear more and for fucking sure not eager to play any of their music on my shows. I don’t want to play watered down, unoriginal, dim music on any of my shows; which I am thankful that I have the luxury to turn away music like this as most radio DJ’s are forced to play such absurdity.

If you make this kind of music, let me pose you this question: What makes me want to play your song over the thousands of others I receive in my inbox every week that sounds identical to yours? And if you’ve learned from my previous posts (deciding not to send me any of your singles because I don’t play dumb shit), what makes you think that a DJ who does play ignorant music will play yours over, say, TI or Young Jessy? It’s the. Same. Old. Shit.

Please excuse me as I veer away from my current train of thought, but I do so in order to pick back up where I’m leaving you now. I know, very Terrantino-esque.

As stated numerous times, and in the signature of every post that I do, I have an FM show where I am allowed to play underground hip-hop.. you know, the shit that you usually have to pay SiriusXM to hear in a radio format? (Check me out, I’m half-way listenable… after all, I was recently nominated as radio personality of the year and for radio show of the year amongst other nominations… No, seriously, I was. Look it up.) My show invades the airwaves of a college town, and because of this, I get new listeners who don’t know what the show is about. They just hear hip-hop and assume I’m some goddamn pop DJ that will play what you want to hear because they’re self-entitled… No bitch, it is I who is the one that is self-entitled. I have built a following of true hip-hop fans that dedicate their Saturday afternoons to tuning in to hear new underground hip-hop, classic records and whatever bullshit comes out of my mouth. Basically, and I know I’m beyond sounding like a dick here (not trying to, just stating facts), the die hard listeners all over the globe know me enough by now to know that I don’t cater to bullshit. Not when it comes to music, anyway.

So it wasn’t a surprise to anyone last week when I received a request on air from someone who obviously had never heard my show before. I’ll paraphrase, but it went something like this:

Caller: Hey, what song are you playing right now?

Me: “Home Made Hotsauce” by Spit Gemz

Caller: Oh… Do you have “blah blah blah (note: I tuned that part out) by Future?

Me: I’ll get that right on for you.

I proceeded to go on air and say that I had a request for a song by Future. I then pressed play on “Baddest Of Them All” by Krispy Kreme.

Why?

Because I’m an asshole.

Also because if you want me to play a shitty song, I’m going to play a shitty song that I enjoy.

A shitty song, that is better than the shitty song you requested I to play.

This is now the way I will handle requests for songs that I do not and will not play. If you want to hear the shit you just asked me for, tune in to the payola station down the knob- trust me, it’s for the best.

If you have a radio show and are bombarded with requests for things that you can’t tell the difference between, this is an apt equalizer. Swift, to the point and entertaining to the audience that you are actually playing for- not the 14 year old whose internet isn’t working at the moment. Got a request for Rick Ross? Krispy Kreme. Someone on the line want to hear the new Rosco Dash (is there new Rosco Dash?) – Krispy Kreme. Someone hit you on twitter asking you to spin some Goochie Man? Krispy Kreme.

See how easy and fun that is?

And- my personal favorite- if you get a dude from down the block who is requesting his own shit, hanging up, handing the phone off to his mom and having her call in and request his shit, you tell him no and play Krispy Kreme instead. If the up-and-coming artist crowd had the ability to remove themselves from the situation and analyze it from a non-bias standpoint, you wouldn’t have to hurt their feelings. But, they always get butthurt, and then you have to tell them this:

I will not play your shit, because Krispy Kreme is better than you.

This has been based on a true story. The motherfucking end. – Kenny Powers

And also, Thomas Handsome.

Thomas Handsome is a radio “personality” on 89.5 FM in Columbia, MO and on FleetDJRadio.net. You can also catch his “Dumb Up Mixshow” on AT&T U-Verse and his vocal stylings on numerous advertisements. His top moment in life is beating Johnny for the All-Valley Karate Championship, and has received glowing reviews about his “fuc*king dipsh*it” personality from avid listener Paula Poundstone. He is best known as the 78th favorite rapper of his step-son, and for trying to turn on Janine Garaffalo at a swimming pool. “Stupid di*ck did a cannonball in front of me and now I’m all wet!” – Janine Garaffalo. More information is available at http://www.thomashandsome.com

Thomas Handsome : Oh, Scarface… (Commentary)

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I used to be just like you, yesterday. Sad inside and overcompensating by acting like a complete cocksucker. – Kenny Powers.

Got it out the way early; for a reason.

I think the powers that be at some blog site/hip-hop site need to give Scarface a commentary column. (Make it happen, Dee). Before I had this column, I had a lot of bitter feelings overall toward the hip-hop industry, but having this opportunity to write to you guys forced me to actually think about my feelings so that I could properly communicate them to you. It’s therapeutic and I can honestly say its put me more at ease… or at least not dwell on the same shit that I can’t control so much.

For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about- I didn’t either until last Sunday. I had heard during the previous week that there was an interview that the legendary rapper Scarface did where he calls out the people who run the record labels and says that they’re out of touch with the audience, and in summary, are killing the hip-hop culture because they are “old”, “white” and “Jewish”…. He does talk about more than just that topic in the interview, but this is the part that was garnering the most attention. My co-host Tyree came into our FM show and started talking about it on air, and based on what he was saying, I found Scarface’s claims to be fucking stupid… Needless to say, I was missing a lot of information that he discussed in this interview, but I still stand by my initial reaction for the most part.

Ever get in on the ground level of something truly amazing and then lose interest or enthusiasm about it when it becomes widely popular? Imagine you invested almost 3 decades loving that something before it was plastered all over the place. Now imagine that “something” was your job, and you love your job. It’s the best job that you ever had and couldn’t picture doing anything else. In fact, not only is it all that you know, but it may very well be the only thing keeping you from being dead or in jail (as cliché as that sounds).

What are the benefits and drawbacks from this job becoming wildly popular with almost all walks of life?

Let’s start with the benefits. In the early stages of hip-hop, generally speaking, if you were successful, your bank account usually reflected that… Obviously there are numerous exceptions, but you would at the very least be able to capitalize off of your reputation to be able to land solid bookings and features that will pay quite handsomely. You also get to see the thing you loved so much go through its infancy and childhood, adolescence… basically grow up right before your eyes. Much like a child, you see it blossom and become successful as it moves its way out into the “real world”.

The problem is, once it’s old enough to start earning money, it has a boss. And you can’t tell that boss shit and neither can they if they want to remain employed.

While the money and fun may have been there in its younger stages, it grew up and got a job. Hip-Hop, in its many, many years of evolution, has become more than just an art form where its author depicts the struggle in the “not so common” sectors of the world. Though that element will and should always be there- and yes, there will still be the same common themes throughout the course of the craft- it’s also become a part of each young person’s life in one way or another. Much like sports, movies and videogames, music will always be a part of our generation’s lives… not that I play videogames anymore.

It’s a hell of a thing, being a part of the first or second generation of hip-hop fans who get old, but it’s something that can be easier to cope with once you realize a few things:

There are people your age who don’t know who Rakim, KRS and even Scarface are- let alone the younger crowd.

Most of what’s played on FM radio (and even a few satellite stations), though masked as hip-hop, is pop music.

Hip-Hop is a business that just now is figuring out how to turn a profit in the digital age.

There will ALWAYS be young people who DO know who Rakim, KRS and Scarface are.

Some things in life are out of your control.

Some things in life, though you may have a logical solution for the problem, will not be able to be fixed by you.

I think that Scarface’s heart is in the right place. At first I wasn’t sure if he was bitter that DJ Drama was given his job with Def Jam South in 2009, but I think it’s been long enough that any bitterness (if existent in this situation) would have subsided. And though I’m pretty sure I understand the disconnect, let me first address the elephant in the proverbial room.

Music, as I’ve said countless times before, is a business- a very big one, which Hip-Hop is an integral part of. Scarface cites how rock and roll was pioneered by Chuck Berry and now there are no longer any black rock musicians. Fair assessment- and I did find his Hootie And The Blowfish comment amusing- but once the art form goes mainstream (i.e. artists start maximizing profits by signing with labels), it’s out of the realm of control. It’s no longer recreational, it’s someone’s job and business, and I don’t know of anyone who goes to their job not to succeed. Of course they’re going to try to sell a white rock musician- same as if a cola company is successful with their main beverage they will eventually try to sell a diet version of it. If you are the person who has invested a lot of money into a record label that also deals with hip-hop, but have other interests that don’t allow you to be a hands-on owner, you’re going to hire the person who is best for the job; the person who will have the best turn around for your business. If that person happens to be DJ Drama, Hiem Fienstein, Chester Thompson or Pedro Cerrano- so be it. That’s just common business sense. I can understand the gripe that you need someone who is familiar with your target audience, but it’s got to be the right fit. Again, common sense.

You know what else? 2013 is a little too late to say that “Elvis is going to be the face of hip-hop”… If you think about it, “Elvis” already is the face of hip-hop.. at least he is when he drops an album. Eminem supersedes Kanye, Jay and all others when he chooses to work. But least- AT LEAST- this Elvis went on TV and thanked the people who came before him by name, and not even the more renowned trailblazers, either.

Another point that he makes… not so eloquently… is the fact that the music and rappers that are being run out there in the spotlight and put on the radio talk about the same shit that is degrading- not only to just a race of people- but to the hip-hop culture in general. They’re parading a horde of young rappers who look high on drugs (..I’ll leave Scarface’s appearance in the video out of this) that rap about the same ignorant shit as everyone else- drugs, money, sex, guns and vehicles. I know I’ve written about this… a lot- but this all comes back to demanding more sustenance from the people who run these companies. I one thousand percent agree with him on this issue, as would anyone out there with all of their sensory organs working and half a mind of their own. Yet people still buy that dumbass shit they’re selling that’s all about- yep, you guessed it- drugs, money, sex, guns and vehicles. Guess some people gotta have them their boats and hoes.

I do agree that if you find someone who has spent a long time in this business, knows it inside and out and has a good head on their shoulders that they deserve a high ranking job over someone who got into the business in their 40’s (for instance). There’s no denying that promoting from within is a great moral boost among employees and shows signs of a strong foundation and belief in your staff. However I think that this is where most rapper’s “persona” could once again work to their detriment. You wouldn’t necessarily see Shyne being promoted to artist development or DMX moving up to public relations. It’s got to be the right fit.

Then again, some of these artists wind up landing labels of their own and are responsible for everything… Unless they’re a subsidiary, right Dre?

At the end of the day, I understand Scarface’s comments and where they are coming from. His heart is in the right place, and if more people felt the way he does then perhaps something will get done to change these patterns. You and I can sit here and discuss, bitch or write useless columns about the subject and it won’t do a damn bit of good. On the other hand, if he calmly and eloquently spoke to these people about the problem he sees and offered a solution, I think someone would actually take him up on it. After all, he is Scarface and does has the business background.

I know that’s not “hip-hop”. But the sooner we recognize that “hip-hop” isn’t “hip-hop” anymore, the better off we will be in the long run, as that is the starting point for morphing it into what it is that we desire it to be.

If you think about it, it makes sense.

Thanks for sticking it out with me. If you have any topics you’d like my opinion on or any questions you’d like answered in a future column, feel free to send them to RadioHandsome@gmail.com or tweet them to @rapperthomas

Thomas Handsome is a radio “personality” on 89.5 FM in Columbia, MO and on FleetDJRadio.net. You can also catch his “Dumb Up Mixshow” on AT&T U-Verse and his vocal stylings on numerous advertisements. His top moment in life is selling naked pictures of Chunk’s mom taking a bath, and has received showered affections about his “go*ddamn di*ckwad” personality from avid listener a mormon lady. He is best known as the 74th favorite rapper of his step-son, and for bumping into Jenna Elfman at McDonalds. “Ass*hole made me spill my milkshake!” – Jenna Elfman. More information is available at http://www.thomashandsome.com

Thomas Handsome – LL’s Cool With Forgiving Slavery, Huh? (Commentary)

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….did you really think I would touch this topic with a 10 foot pole?? You’re out of your damn mind!

Okay, that was a dick move of me to title this post that way- and this post does have something to do with racial tension- so allow me the opportunity to redeem myself.

We all know the origins of hip-hop and have heard the stories of Kool Herc on Sedgwick & Cedar. Everyone should be aware that the original “MC’s” were there to put the movement into the crowds who would come to block parties and try to get them involved… More or less hype men, for a lack of a better term that would be easily understood by today’s standards. However, most fans of hip-hop today probably don’t understand exactly how far the music has gone and exactly what it’s done for modern society.

Let me take it back- wayyyy back- to before most of us were born. Hell, most of our parent’s may not have been able to legally fuck. The date was July 12, 1979. To most of us, that’s just another day we don’t remember because we weren’t alive yet- but to those who were around and have a good memory, it’s known as “The Day Disco Died”. The Chicago White Sox had a double header with the Detroit Tigers, and during the course of the day, held a “Disco Demolition” promotion for pissed-off Rock fans. Thousands showed up and threw their disco records into a pile on the field which, long story short, ended with exploding disco records and a riot involving people ripping up seats at the stadium, fucking up the turf and other stadium amenities. There were numerous arrests made during this promotion which got so out of hand that the Sox had to forfeit the second game of the double header.

The next week, the Billboard Top 10 contained 2 disco records. 2 months later, no disco record ever charted in the Top 10 again.

So, what the fuck does disco have to do with rap music?

Disco was commonly viewed as being “black music” in it’s time. Many non-blacks in America did not support the genre because of this. They wanted to hear Kiss and/or AC/DC, not Donna Summer or The Jackson 5 (yeah, they did some disco, too). Regardless of the morality of this fact, the music industry made the switch back to rock or rock-influenced records. The mass demonstration at Comisky Park that day in July was heard loud-and-clear in the offices of the taste-makers in the music business, and they moved forward, without disco.

Fast forward to 1981.

Three dudes named Daryl, Jay and “Run” form a music group… don’t even bother- you’ll never guess the name of it.

I’ll spare you the history lesson of Run DMC. If you don’t know who they are or anything about them, let your fingers do the walking on over to google. You’re certainly in the minority of hip-hop fans if this is the case. However, what many people do not know is that Run DMC, before signing with Profile Records (contrary to popular belief, they were never signed to Def Jam, though they were managed by Russell Simmons and produced by Rick Rubin), was shopped to countless record labels- none of which would have anything to do with them. In the wake of the disco backlash (albeit half a decade or more later) labels were leery of signing artists who did “black” music, let alone rap music. Most executives at that time viewed rap music as a genre that would run it’s course within a week; a “flash in the pan”, so to speak.

In 1986, Rick Rubin suggested that Run DMC do a remake of the Aerosmith song “Walk This Way”. The group often used the intro drum break of the song over the initial guitar riffs to freestyle to, but they were not necessarily interested in redoing the record at first. Nor was Aerosmith pumped the fuck up about having a rap group redo their song. Rubin got the members of both groups in the studio together (after both sides reluctantly agreed to explore the possibility) so they could try to get on the same page. Aerosmith saw what Jay did to the record on the turntables, heard Rev and DMC’s rendition and were instantly with it.

Of course we all know this record. It was the first rap song to chart in the Billboard Top 5. Hell, it even charted higher than the original version of the song. Oh, and who could forget the Soul Train Awards that it won both groups?? (Does sarcasm translate through text?)

Like the song or not, it was a monumental single not only in hip-hop, but shaping the culture in which we live in today. Okay, maybe not just the song- mainly the video. MTV was a monster to be fucked with at that point in time, and the “Walk This Way” video was a standout in their rotation, to say the very least. MTV, if you’re not old enough to remember (I’m sure the shit not), was only 5 years old at that point, and had just started making it’s way into the homes of cable viewers. Cable, as a matter of fact, was a new thing in urban areas around that time as it was only common in rural areas that did not receive a signal from broadcast television stations. In both circumstances in the early to mid 80’s, it was viewed as a luxury that most could not afford, or simply would not pay for. More people had cable in 1986 than they did in 1985, but it was still catching on as a common-place household standard.

So naturally, that meant either kids in the country or rich white kids were watching MTV and falling in love with this video (for some reason that last sentence makes me picture the fat kid from Son In Law jamming out on his couch.. Son In Law? With Pauly Shore? Ah, nevermind). The kids who were already familiar with the original Aerosmith song were learning the new version of their old favorite, done in a style that they most likely had never been exposed to. Even if they had heard hip-hop before, they hadn’t heard it like this.

The result of this (obviously) was the beginning of the “white” audience listening to “black” music once again. It meant that the kids who listened to rock and the kids who listened to rap would sit down at the lunch table together and share a common bond. It may not have seemed like much at the time, or even petty to look back on now, but that was the catalyst of the modern America we live in today. This one song blazed the path for such widely accepted variety in all sorts of music. We may not enjoy every particular genre or sub-genre, but we are not completely closed off to new music. Everything from the white-boy “far out, bro!!” rap (that I like to call it), religious rap, satanic rap, even the “kill whitey” rap- none of it would be as readily accepted by their respective audiences with out this one song.

This one fucking song.

This one, sweet titted, glorious song.

Sure, there’s always going to be people who judge others because they look different than they do, or have a different preference of sexual partners or because of a million other things that make an individual an individual. There will always be people who can’t get over the irrelevant things like that. There will always be differences between people- some that will work them selves out, and some that won’t- and that’s just human nature. Whether right or wrong, that’s the way the world works. But it’s crazy how the common love of your country, your favorite athlete or sports team, and yes, even music, can make people forget about their differences. Even if only for a moment. Due to the nature of my job, sometimes I overlook the fact that music has the power to break down doors; to remove barriers and to let people who we view as different be “one of ours”…. Not saying that all music works like that, but every once in a while it can.

And this song, this one goddamn song, did just that.

Just an observation. I’m not trying to get all political or kick more knowledge than I already have. So, I leave you with a few random thoughts that have jack shit to do with the race in any form. With all the pain I’ve suffered and shit I’ve gone through, I can’t believe you’d look at me and have the word “gringo” pop into your head. I transcend race, hombre….. Yeah, I had to get in my Kenny Powers quote for the post.

So, here we go, a few parting shots.

- Anybody else feel the new Ghostface Killah album was done for the paycheck? It’s an okay album, but by his standards it’s fucking horrible.

- People are still mad at Rick Ross. Guess I was wrong in my last post.

- Speaking of the Rick Ross issue (along with the LL Cool J country song)- is there anything more humorous than people who lack mental capacity with no concept of grammar or spelling trying to have a legitimate “debate”? I’ve never seen so many paragraph-long sentences that contained so many Z’s before in my life! That was my favorite part of Facebook over the past 2 weeks.

- Did you know Tittie Boy… or… fuck is his name now? I’m at a loss for it… Whatever name he goes by now is in his 40’s? The music may be fucking terrible, but hats off for finally making the shit work for you, guy.

Okay that’s it- I’m out. Have questions for me or topics you’d like to see discussed? Hit me on Twitter with them @rapperthomas or good old fashioned email at RadioHandsome@gmail.com.

Thomas Handsome is a radio “personality” on 89.5 FM in Columbia, MO and on FleetDJRadio.net. You can also catch his “Dumb Up Mixshow” on AT&T U-Verse and his vocal stylings on numerous advertisements. His top moment in life is building a peanutbutter fort with that little guy from the movie “The Benchwarmers”, and has received raving compliments about his “upserdly sh*itheaded” personality from avid listener Tammy Fay Baker. He is best known as the 61th favorite rapper of his step-son, and for making longer than usual eye contact with Candace Cameron. “Yeah, what the fu*ck was that all about?” – Candace Cameron. More information is available at http://www.thomashandsome.com

Sebastien Elkouby – Rap Music, Censorship and a Real Life Conspiracy

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Ever since I began publicly speaking out against the mainstream music industry, its corrupt practices and deliberate dumbing down of rap music, I’ve been told by many, including industry insiders, that my claims are unfounded, unverifiable and the stuff of paranoid conspiracy theorists. But what is a conspiracy? Does it always have to be hatched in secret by groups of shadowy men who promote their twisted agenda through seemingly harmless avenues? Or is it sometimes so overt that it simply becomes “business as usual” while an unsuspecting public eats it up without a second thought?

The word “conspiracy” as defined by the Merriam-Webster dictionary means:

a: to join in a secret agreement to do an unlawful or wrongful act or an act which becomes unlawful as a result of the secret agreement.

b: to act in harmony toward a common end.

In other words, a conspiracy is nothing more than a group of individuals, conspiring, or discreetly working together towards a wrongful aim . This practice is common and historically documented in all areas of politics and business, music industry included. Usually, the end goal is money and power. But what would the music industry have to gain from deliberately dumbing down rap? And aren’t many popular rappers already dumbing themselves down without the industry’s help?

While concrete answers elude me, the following examples point to a conspiracy, or a concerted effort if you prefer, by industry execs to continue promoting rap music with dangerous messages, even when it may be against the law.

According to Federal Communications Commission (FCC) regulations, the broadcast of obscene, indecent and profane material may be unlawful. Broadcasters, including radio stations and TV networks, may actually be violating their public interest obligation by playing music which promotes explicit sex acts, drug use, rape, and other criminal behavior.

Here’s a section from FCC guidelines regarding obscene, indecent and profane broadcasts.

Obscene Broadcasts Are Prohibited at All Times

Obscene material is not protected by the First Amendment to the Constitution and cannot be broadcast at any time. The Supreme Court has established that, to be obscene, material must meet a three-pronged test:

An average person, applying contemporary community standards, must find that the material, as a whole, appeals to the prurient interest;

The material must depict or describe, in a patently offensive way, sexual conduct specifically defined by applicable law; and

The material, taken as a whole, must lack serious literary, artistic, political or scientific value.

Indecent Broadcast Restrictions

The FCC has defined broadcast indecency as “language or material that, in context, depicts or describes, in terms patently offensive as measured by contemporary community standards for the broadcast medium, sexual or excretory organs or activities.” Indecent programming contains patently offensive sexual or excretory material that does not rise to the level of obscenity.

The courts have held that indecent material is protected by the First Amendment and cannot be banned entirely. It may, however, be restricted in order to avoid its broadcast during times of the day when there is a reasonable risk that children may be in the audience.

Consistent with a federal indecency statute and federal court decisions interpreting the statute, the Commission adopted a rule that broadcasts — both on television and radio — that fit within the indecency definition and that are aired between 6:00 a.m. and 10:00 p.m. are prohibited and subject to indecency enforcement action.

If the FCC finds a broadcaster in violation of the aforementioned rules, the broadcaster may have to pay a fine or revoke the station’s license. Imagine how many broadcaster would be out of business if this had been truly enforced.

You can find this at http://www.fcc.gov/guides/obscenity-indecency-and-profanity.

Broadcasters seem to have been openly violating these rules for years. In the 70′s and 80′s, Heavy Metal music was attacked for its content and negative influence on youth. While the concern was valid, technology didn’t allow for music and videos to be widely promoted like they are today. Further, Heavy Metal fans were not up against the same widely accepted stereotypes that today’s rap fans are burdened by.

The film and video game industries have also been heavily scrutinized for violent and obscene content. Yet, films and games are recognized as being purely fictional. In contrast, rap music generally prides itself on being “real” which ultimately sends a very different message to impressionable fans.

If radio stations and TV networks risk paying a hefty fine or even jeopardizing their broadcasting license by promoting indecent material, why do all broadcasters appear to be in agreement when it comes to disregarding FCC rules? Is this a conspiracy? And let’s be honest. While the radio-edited version of a song does indeed censor explicit language, it doesn’t change the nature of a song whose overall message glorifies criminal behavior, violence and in Rick Ross’ case, rape. After all, the word “molly” is never edited since it isn’t explicit language but clearly constitutes inappropriate content when spoken by artists who celebrate the drug.

Strangely, the music industry seems to enforce censorship when it’s in their interest.

In the 1994 song “Juicy”, Biggie says, “Time to get paid, blow up like the World Trade”. Of course, he was referring to the first 1993 bombing of the World Trade Center which took place 8 years before the 9/11 disaster. After 9/11, and 4 years after Biggie’s death, the words “World Trade” were edited from all versions out of respect for those who lost their lives in the tragedy.

Although not rap, but in the 1996 song “They Don’t Care About Us”, Micheal Jackson sings about the pain that racism and discrimination causes and uses various racial epithet to illustrate the point. Along many ethnic slurs listed in the song, one of them is considered anti-semitic and offensive to the Jewish community. Michael apologized and explained that the song was against discrimination but was eventually forced to re-record the song without the offensive terms.

In the 1997 song “It’s All About the Benjamins”, Jadakiss says, “You should do what we do, stack chips like Hebrews”. The word “Hebrews” was deemed insensitive and edited from all versions. Later, in 2004, Jadakiss was again the subject of censorship when his song “Why” accused President Bush of being responsible for 9/11. The word “Bush” was eventually edited out of the song.

In the 2003 song “Rooster” by Outkast, Big Boi says, “Like a candle in the wind, she was my friend, like Princess Di before she died”. This line was edited out even on the explicit version of the album.

In the 2004 song “All Falls Down”, Kanye West says, “Drug dealers buy Jordans, crack heads buy crack and the white man gets paid off of all that.” The label censored the words “white man” from the song and video because it was deemed offensive.

There are too many other similar examples to list here.

I clearly understand why these lines are considered offensive and the reasons for censoring them. However, why don’t rap music fans deserve the same consideration when it comes to the constant promotion of sex, violence, drugs and crime? Isn’t that equally offensive and more damaging to young listeners than the content censored in the previous examples or is the wellbeing of teenage rap fans not important?

I’ve been told time and time again that the music industry is a business whose only responsibility is to make money, not raise our children or solve social problems. While I understand that a corporation’s bottom line is profit and that parents are in charge of raising their own kids, if the music industry isn’t expected to uphold certain morals and values, why does the FCC have rules regarding obscene and indecent content? Why do CD’s still have parental warning stickers? Why does the film industry rate movies based on content and age appropriateness? And who are these rules meant to protect?

Now, I’m not suggesting that an artist’s freedom of speech be banned. Some of my favorite artists who create meaningful albeit controversial content would be affected as a result. As a writer, my own freedom of expression would be impacted. And that’s the last thing I want. What I am pointing out is that the music industry as a whole seems to have a double standard when it comes to young rap fans. Such overt disregard for FCC rules and blatant bias in censorship gives me the uneasy feeling that a conspiracy, or an unspoken agreement amongst industry execs “to act in harmony toward a common end” is indeed taking place. Why? And could any of this really just come down to good old fashioned racism and utter lack of concern for how Black youth are depicted? Sounds like I just opened up another can of worms!

Sebastien Elkouby is a Hip Hop Culture historian and award-winning educator. He is part of a national collective set up to hold the music industry accountable for promoting negative content. Check out his educational program, Global Awareness Through Hip Hop Culture and his blog, SebIsHipHop.wordpress.com. Contact him at sebastienelkouby@gmail.com or on Twitter @SebIsHipHop.

Thomas Handsome – Rick Ross Is Going To Rape You (Commentary)

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Rick Ross, Fat Joe, Biggie Smalls, Eminem, 2pac- what do they all have in common? They all have rapped about, been charged with or convicted of rape. Although it’s not a subject to be taken lightly, it’s not a subject that is taboo amongst rap artists.

The arena of hip-hop music is one of pushing boundaries. Rappers are constantly trying to out-do and one-up each other for the sake of listens and record sales (more times than not). I’ve been a fan of hip-hop for several decades and have heard it all. References to selling drugs to addicted mothers in front of their children, aggravated assault in the most unique of ways, threats on people’s lives (direct and indirect), even songs where artists name people who have committed crimes against them that are still “unsolved”.. We have all heard them- sometimes more than once- and dare we say, we even enjoyed these records and can recite them verbatim. Personally, one of my all time favorite songs, “KIM” by Eminem, graphically depicts kidnapping and murder. (Just a ‘For Instance’)

Some may find these records offensive, and though they may have a point, but what makes the content of these records any different than the movies we watch? Or the television shows we DVR? Or even local newscasts? Obviously the music leaves the visual aspect up to the interpretation of the listener, which you think would make the music be viewed as a softer medium. Yet Rick Ross talks about raping a bitch and all the sudden it’s World War a thousand on the airwaves.

Look, you guys know me well enough by now. You know I can’t fucking stand Rick Ross’ music or anything even remotely close to it. I’m not here to defend a man who under normal circumstances probably would have to rape someone to get any action. Rick Ross smokes weed on a plane, has a stroke, gets shot at 11 times at close proximity (and still doesn’t get hit? With his big fat ass? Seriously?), talks about selling coke, used to be a C.O.- and I could truthfully give a fuck less. He is a prime example of everything that has gone horribly wrong with hip-hop, and now everyone has a problem with him? This was the last straw?

I’m sure by the time you read this no one will give a shit about the rape reference anymore. My guess is that the next pop rapper who has an album about to drop will be in the news after their “brush with death” after sniffing glue or some dumb shit. Don’t let that undermine the point I’m trying to get across. Music is just a form of entertainment, same as television or cinema. The only difference is Anthony Hopkins doesn’t walk around claiming to eat people for sustenance. We understand that Al Pacino doesn’t have a mountain of cocaine in a palatial Miami estate (well, most of us understand that).

People don’t differentiate So-and-so the Rapper from So-and-so the person. We’ve discussed this before. No news here.

People do differentiate the actor from the roll.

But, television stations understand that it’s not appropriate to air Menace II Society in the middle of the afternoon. Showgirls is limited to pay stations- and they rarely air it (much to my and my wife’s chagrin). They play movies with subject matter that may be inappropriate for impressionable minds at a later time of day.

Commercial radio does not do this.

Radio in general does not do this.

They play whatever they are being paid to play… I mean… whatever is popular to gain listeners and sponsors…. Yeah.

One could argue the responsibility of these stations to play appropriate content during daytime and primetime slots. However, there are rules set forth by the FCC that these stations abide by and you can’t fault them for merely running a business. If you owned a station and your livelihood relied on listenership, you would do the same thing (within the guidelines of the FCC regulations, of course). So you can’t fault the programmers for this.

We could even point a finger at the internet and the on-demand aspect of the sites that make this material so readily available. But let’s be honest, it’s not the fault of the world wide web. Parents have the ability to restrict the content that their children view no matter what time of day it is. If anything, this should be a safer medium to block young minds from gaining access to shit like this.

So where does the responsibility lie?

With the artist?

We live in the greatest country in the world. We are lucky that we don’t have to censor ourselves. However, when Eminem penned “KIM”, it wasn’t aimed toward radio play. In fact, it was buried deep in the playlist of that album. The radio singles from that project may have been a little out of the ordinary and at times over the top, but they were well balanced songs (Real Slim Shady aside). The folks over at Aftermath (translation- Interscope) knew what they were doing with that project. Let Marshall be the brilliant, crazy son of a bitch that he is and release the songs that show his diversity.

Diversity. There’s a novel concept.

Don’t look now, but the hip-hop that is being put out now by “major” labels is saturated with the same 3 things- I’m rich, I’m on drugs, I fuck and degrade bitches. There is 0 diversity amongst any of the bullshit that they are clogging commercial stations with. Aside from Kendrick Lamar’s boring ass (sorry, I’m not a fan), there’s no relief in sight. Major labels are dumping tons of cash in to music that is detrimental not only to hip-hop, but to the minds of the young listeners.

This isn’t the “these young cats don’t even know who Rakim is” standpoint. This is a 3 billion dollar elephant in the room that few seldom take the time to articulate. This is the “why the fuck is it cool to take Molly?” standpoint. Is there a motive behind pumping money into rappers who promote rape, violence and drugs? Who overdose on cough syrup (really? Cough syrup? Are you twelve?) and get meaningless tattoos on their face? This shit makes me think that maybe, just mayyybbeee the anonymous source who wrote about the industrial prison complex may know a little more than we give them credit for.

I know I’m all over the place on this one- it’s a hard subject to coherently put into a timeline, if you will. But all I know is this:

If A-Rod started promoting drug use…

Bad example.

If Justin Beiber started doing drugs…

Goddamnit!

I’m not naive. I know people are going to do what they want to do under their own free will. But do you think if Justin Beiber wasn’t a singer, but a waiter at a Chili’s, that the manager of Chili’s would encourage him to show up to work high and try to convince the customers that he was serving to do drugs, too? I’m pretty sure that there’s a law against that. You know what else there is a law against (in most states, anyway)?

Pandering.

This is exactly what these record companies are doing to us- whether they know it (or will admit to it) or not. I know hip-hop was originally an artform that was used to show defiance and to spit in the face of that which opposed you, but this shit has gone too damn far.

It’s time to hold these companies accountable for the music they are choosing to promote. I understand it doesn’t mean a new Rakim song will make it’s way on to pop channels- that’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying that they should be held to a higher standard in the music that they put out, if for no other reason than it reflects poorly on the culture. And if they want to continue to put out Molly-popping music, great, but please don’t let that be the song that gets played on pop channels 14 times an hour. The music that’s on the airwaves today influences the next generation of “hip-hop” artists, who will make a cheap carbon copy of what they hear. That cycle will continue through waves and waves until nothing is left. Just some sort of “Idiocracy” type reality where stupidity is rewarded and plants are irrigated with sports drinks.

If you are on hip-hop’s side, then you know the writing has been on the wall. We are looking at a season-ending loss. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s losing. If there’s two things I hate, it’s losing and getting cancer (Kenny Powers quote for this installment, check!).

The cancer is the decision makers at the major labels. Hip-Hop has overcome worse, but the prognosis doesn’t look good unless we all use our voices (translation- money) to fight back. Don’t buy the shit you hear on pop-radio and over a long enough time frame, they’ll redo their math and see that we are too smart, too respectable and too proud to fall for that shit.

Hope that makes sense. Thanks for reading.

Thomas Handsome is a radio “personality” on 89.5 FM in Columbia, MO and on FleetDJRadio.net. You can also catch his “Dumb Up Mixshow” on AT&T U-Verse and his vocal stylings on numerous advertisements. His top moment in life is trading baseball cards with Casper from Eastbound & Down, and has received praises about his “stupid dickface” personality from avid listener Mya Angelou. He is best known as the 56th favorite rapper of his step-son, and for being aquanted with Justine Bateman. “Yeah, we’re aquainted” – Justine Bateman. More information is available at http://www.thomashandsome.com

Thomas Handsome – DJ’s Don’t Need You (Commentary)

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It’s a fact. Wikipedia it. “Uh… Bon Jour!”

Apparently people do read the bullshit that I babble on about on here. Either that or they just automatically assume I’m an asshole and send me combative questions for no reason other than such. So, since artists actually read this, and because I am an asshole (a lovable one, at that… right?? Eh, worth a shot), I figured I’d take the time to elaborate on the most common attitude that I get from most rappers.

I’ll save you the read if you’d like to move on:

No, DJ’s, bloggers and websites do not need you.

For those that have stuck around, I’ll elaborate.

There’s a common misconception amongst singers and rappers that a DJ, serving as the conduit between the artist and the audience, needs the artist in order to do their jobs. They feel as though a DJ should be obligated to play a record that was sent to them, that a blogger should post up everything that hits their inbox and that a website should extensively cover their latest work just because they were contacted by the artist.

Real quick, by a show of hands, how many of you rappers/singers have ever had EVERY place that you sent music to actually cover/play your shit?

It’s okay, I’ll wait….

……

That’s what I thought.

The error here does not rest with the DJ or outlet; it rests with the artist, for several reasons.

The first reason is the oversaturation aspect- our inboxes are maxed out at any given moment the minute we make our addresses public. Your song/project may be dope as shit, but due to 800,000 other terrible acts who send us their shit, yours most likely will get over looked… Not in all cases, but in some. In other instances, our inboxes are so full that we had to get new email addresses altogether… Same principal, though.

The second reason is that your material doesn’t fit our formatting. I’ve covered this before in my “Why I Won’t Play Your Shit” post a few months back. No offense to the artist, but if a DJ plays Rihanna, they are probably not going to play the Insane Clown Posse. Real cut and dry here.

Now for the third reason- the reason I am writing this post to begin with (though I SWEAR I’ve already discussed this before).

How do I put this?

Let’s say you emailed a DJ one of your tracks. It’s a dope track, in your opinion. Very well put together, catchy, mastered properly and even matches the format of that particular DJ. He also so happens to open your email that you sent him with your song in it. He is on the verge of clicking on the “Play” button in gmail, but stops to read the message you wrote:

“Ayo, dis dat shit dat gon make u famouz. Play dis shit it a guranted chart topper”

Or:

“THIS THAT LONG ANTICIPATED SINGLE FROM (artist name) THAT ALL THE CHICKENHEADS IS GONNA BE AXIN YOU TA PLAY! POP IT IN UR DECKS AND LET IT HIT YOU IN UR FAT AZZ HEAD”

(No bullshit, I copied and pasted both of those from my email)

Let’s stop right here.

First thing’s first, no one record is going to make any DJ, blog or website famous. You may find those exceptions throughout history, but let’s not get sentimental. It’s 2013 and that’s not how shit works anymore. Secondly- if you didn’t submit your single to a radio or satellite DJ (amongst the other paperwork shit that I’ll skip for now), you don’t stand a goddamn chance of “topping” any chart EVER.

As for the 2nd example- the last thing you want to do is insult someone who is in a position to help you, whether you mean to or not. I’m sure that text would sound funny coming from that person’s mouth, but it’s non-verbal and I don’t fucking know them. Are you insulting me for being 6 foot 7 with a head that matches the stature? Or are you simply trying to be funny? Eleven times out of ten you’re going to get met with a “Fuck you- delete”.

….I’m not even going to touch the spelling or capitalization.

Basically, it’s best to sound as professional as possible when presenting your self in a professional manner. Even if this is just a hobby to you, this is a business and even a livelihood for some (I cannot stress this enough). Keep in mind that first impressions- even if not in person- are everything. Those people that I quoted earlier will now forever get deleted as soon as I see their names in my inbox. It’s unfortunate, but what would you do in this situation?

So, you sent the DJ a record with one of those messages in the body and never heard back from them. You keep listening to their show(s) and never hear your record. Or maybe the DJ was kind enough to email you back, kindly declining to play your record. THE LAST THING YOU EVER WANT TO DO IS THIS:

“Fuck you, you need me! Without this record, you aren’t shit!” (click’s “Send”)

Trust me folks, it’s a more common response than you’d think.

Whether it’s your record, the next record, or a different record that hits my email- I will NEVER need your music to make my show, mixtape or club gig successful. Even if NO MORE rap music was EVER made EVER, I STILL wouldn’t need your shit in order to move forward. Nor would this website (I speak only for myself when saying this), the next blog or any other hip-hop outlet/medium need any new music (let alone yours) to continue to prosper. There are literally millions of other hip-hop tracks out there that could fill up a fat girl’s bathtub from here to Bosnia… One less track isn’t going to hurt us. A blog spot can post shit that they like from 1994 and run articles like this one and still get views. A website can track down Erick Sermon or someone like that and interview them- maybe get them to do an exclusive live stream performance of an old hit of theirs… Starting to get the picture? One monkey doesn’t stop the show.

Like I said before, will say again and will likely be etched on my tombstone, if you send someone your track and they don’t play it, be thankful for the opportunity and move forward. Come back with the next one later and try again, capish? You don’t even know what capish means, do you? That’s cuz that’s Russian. (Eastbound and Down quote in every post I’ve written so far- check!).

Furthermore, if you submit to a DJ and they hit you back with pricing and you aren’t interested, just keep it moving, man. It’s a poorly kept secret that most terrestrial stations use a strict pay-for-play policy. If you’re that adamant of your song being the next big “chart topper”- here’s your chance to put your money where your mouth is and make it happen. I’d advise doing your homework on each particular offer, but nevertheless.. Or, if you send your shit to a known mixtape DJ who hits you back about slot fees, same deal. I personally have never done a pay-for-play at my station, but I do sell mixtape slots. I can’t speak for other mixtape DJ’s, but my slot fees only cover the cost of the tape (the graphic designer fees, the hosting fees, posting fees, advertising fees- whatever fees there may be on any given project). These fees are an economical way of collectively pushing everyone on the project’s music out all on one vehicle, but I do have a certain standard when it comes to these projects. Again, if you’re not interested in pursuing something like this, just keep it moving. The last thing you want to do is respond with something like:

“Real artists get their shit played for free. Paying is for suckas”.

(Again, a real quote from my email)

…said the dumbass no one has ever heard of before. Good luck with that line of thinking.

The times are different than they used to be, and one way or another you will have to pay in order to be successful. I’m not only talking about money, but also in respect for how the game works and how people conduct their business in a professional manner. If you’re asking for someone to help you for free, then act like a dick when they don’t, do not be surprised when there are fewer (if any) avenues that are willing to help you in your career.

A DJ, blogger and webmaster are people just like you with bills to pay and families to support. We can be nice, and we can be assholes. Both options are 80% up to how you carry yourself upon approaching us. If you don’t appreciate the responses you get from us on one particular occasion, don’t be a dick about it, because you never know when we may be able to help you down the road. I try to be nice to artists as well, because I get it and am a rapper myself, but the entire hip-hop industry doesn’t conduct themselves like the people you see on Worldstar.

To sum things up- and I don’t know how many times I have to preach this- we are in a professional setting here. The minute you try to get your music off of your block and into the hands of those whose reach is further than just your block, it has taken a step towards professionalism. If you don’t recognize this and fail to come correct, there are several others who will. And if no up and coming artist understands this ever again, I have no problem playing old Rawkus records for the next 30 years.

Peace to those who understand this, or who are willing to grow professionally. I look forward to building with you and watching you prosper in ways that you could only have dreamed of.

To those of you who kept asking me- I hope this kicks some knowledge in ur fat azz head.

ThomasHandsome.com – I’m out.

Thomas Handsome is a radio “personality” on 89.5 FM in Columbia, MO and on FleetDJRadio.net. You can also catch his “Dumb Up Mixshow” on AT&T U-Verse and his vocal stylings on numerous advertisements. His top achievement in life is getting his face signed by Another Bad Creation, and has received praises about his “gentlemanly bastard” personality from avid listener Katie Couric. He is best known as the 48th favorite rapper of his step-son, and for being known of by the lady who played Helen on the 90′s sitcom “Wings”. “Yeah, I know of him… do you know of me?” – the lady who played Helen on the 90′s sitcom “Wings”. More information is available at http://www.thomashandsome.com

Thomas Handsome – Who Wants To Be A Rapper? (Commentary)

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Apparently, everybody.

I remember being young, listening to Hip-Hop in my Dad’s basement and marveling at the production on “Know The Ledge” by Eric B & Rakim. Biting my finger while listening to 36 Chambers and Me Against The World for the very first time. I even remember vibing out to “Knockin Da Boots” by Candyman (yeah, I’m not old lol) and reciting all the words from it as I walked to school. True, I had Guns N Roses in rotation at that age as well, but I was developing a long lasting, true appreciation and love for Hip-Hop. I wasn’t listening to it so I could bite someone’s style, or to find a beat to jack- I was merely a fan and admirer of an art that seemed so far out of my world and reach.

I grew up in Missouri, when the Internet was a luxury that few in my area could afford. There were no “blogs” of any nature- let alone of the music variety. There wasn’t satellite radio or any online stations. I’m not trying to sound like your Grandpa- I’m telling you this so that you know the kind of exposure I had to Hip-Hop early on. Where I’m from, if you wanted to know what was up, you had to rely on MTV and BET. Then, if you wanted to have a copy of your favorite tracks to listen to at your leisure, you had to dub them from someone’s tape or CD.

Man I’m making myself feel mad fucking old talking about this.

It wasn’t until I hit high school that I started writing down rhymes. I never had any intention of recording them- in fact, they sounded like Slim Shady (just before anyone in my region knew who he was)…or maybe even Krispy Kreme (for fucks sake- if you don’t know who that is, YOUTUBE IT NOW!!!!). I wrote them because that shit was funny to me.

There were a group of guys in my school who would form a circle at lunch time and kick rhymes. I’d join- mostly to their amusement- but it was all love. There was the De La Soul motherfuckers, my dumbass, the fools who were high off their asses that rapped like Fiend or Mystikal, the dudes who listened to way too much 2pac… all breeds, and we all had fun doing it. Battles occurred, but it was all in the sport of it, never personal.

Fast forward to current times…

Everybody- I mean, everybody is a goddamn rapper now. There are no fans buying music. There are no spectators who just appreciate what they hear at face value, or what it means to them personally. There is no one who hears a hip-hop song that inspires them to break through their goals at the office, at home, on the field etc and we can thank Al Gore’s wonderful, magical, rapper-anus-massaging Internet for that.

I come to you today, not to fucking bash on technology (yes, anEastbound And Down quote! 4 in a row!), but to try to figure out who in the fuck wants to be a rapper anymore. The Internet has changed the face of the music industry forever, and I for one cannot be mad at that. For those of you who are unaware of who I am or how I got to this mediocre stage in life that I currently occupy, allow me to bring you up to speed. That story I told you about me rapping in high school? It landed me a developmental deal with So So Def at a young age. It also landed me a full-fledged deal with Koch/E1 records (under a group that you probably had/have a poster of), collabs with legends, licensing my shitty songs to companies who make the machines that you are reading this article on, spins on FM and satellite, magazine articles, my name written on titties… basically, thanks to the Internet, I have made more than I ever thought was realistically possible off of rapping (without being a household name, of course). There’s more to me than just that, but, for all intents and purposes, let’s just leave shit at that for now.

That was in the early stages of music on the internet… which, I guess wasn’t all that long ago. However, now you can’t throw a rock without hitting a “rapper” (which I take advantage of every time I find a rock). Infact, it’s a scientific fact that right now, while you are reading this, there are no less than a dozen so called rappers within a 2 block radius, swearing up and down that they are making the “next big song to blow”. They jack beats off of the internet, then post their records on the internet, in hopes of finding fans… on the internet. But the funny thing is- there are no more fans on the Internet, only rappers.

In a perfect world, all of that would be just fine. Everyone would put their “Shit I Don’t Like” remix up on the Internet and be instant millionaires, with bitches a plentiful and money rolling out of their pee holes. Farting glitter and all that shit. Problem is, most of these guys don’t buy the other guy’s music (or any music, for that matter)- infact, most of these “artists” loathe every other rapper in their area. They view other local rappers as a threat, or competition, that will ultimately result in a fewer sales, fans and shine. If these guys were business owners, they would realize that there is nothing wrong with a little competition, because typically there is more than enough business to for everyone (over a big enough scale). But, what these rappers are really fighting over doesn’t even exist. If they really do view the other rappers as a threat, then they don’t know what it is that they are truly fearful of. I’m no Dr Phill, but it doesn’t take a 400 pound asshole to know that deep down what they are fearful of is being a non-extraordinary person. The root of that fear isn’t being dissed on wax, loss of sales, fewer fans etc. They do not want to accept the inevitable fact that we all face in life- shit isn’t all about you.

If you think I’m bullshitting, look up Nelly’s tirade over the sales of his last album. I need not say more to prove my point.

I say this, not to be harsh or hateful, but as someone who deals with artists for a living. There are guys who will always be know for something that they did once upon a time, or hell, even something down the line from now. Those guys have paid long, hard dues for decades, reached their pinnacle, and still continue to pay dues to this day because that’s all they know. That is their career path and has been a steady source of income for them for 20+ years. But each and every single fucking one of them knows that shit isn’t all about them. They are down to Earth folks with kids, families and 2 hands firmly gripped on reality.

These young, unestablished rappers, on the other hand… well, you know my views on the majority of them. I really don’t know what drives them other than that they live in a reality that is different than ours. The mentality of the new local rapper, as I described above, with grandeurs of taking a bath in champagne and having fat girls lick their booty everyday, all because they rap. No real accomplishments with it, just that they rap.

I really hate to be the bearer of bad news- but there is no real money in rapping anymore, and chances are that there will never be again. So if this is what motivates you, then I’d like some of the drugs that you are on, please. There IS money in the rap industry, but it’s your dumbass who shells it out. Producers, managers, promoters, distribution, DJ’s, magazines, television, engineers, publicists, guest artists… need I continue? I will admit that there are ways to make your money back over the long haul, one of which being licensing, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that MTV isn’t going to use “I Wanna Eat Dat Phat Dicc” or some nobody’s version of whatever terrible rap song is popular right now in the next season of The Real World.

What I love are the unestablished artists in their 30’s who create music for the love of the craft. The ones who were, and continue to be, fans of Hip-Hop. The ones who heard Busta Rhymes on “Scenario” and wanted to break something. The guys who waited in line to buy Wu-Tang Forever when it dropped. The artists who would travel 3 hours out of their way to see KRS-One on tour. THAT’S the kind of artist I like, because THAT’S the kind of artist who will still be making music when they figure out that they won’t make a living off of Hip-Hop, and are happy just to have anyone hear it.

If I got a chance to do everything over again, I wouldn’t. I gained a lot of knowledge and growth over the course of my career. Then again, I’d be starting back up again in Missouri in the late 1990’s. If I had to start all over again now, I would probably still do everything the same because I love Hip-Hop. To me, it has never been about the money or fame. It’s always been about the structure, proving to myself that I could do it and the satisfaction of having that validated time and again. Not that I enjoy everything that I’ve done, but those bad songs I made are like those shitty gifts you get at Christmas from your family- at least their heart was in the right place.

If you’re trying to start a rap career now, best of luck to you. Please read my previous articles on music submissions. Although, if you’re trying to get into the rap game to make money, I’d quit now while you’re ahead. It takes a pretty big asshole with a lot of money to be a rapper these days, and there is nothing wrong with being a fan.

To those of you with the Love Jones, I hope to see you every day for the next couple decades.

– - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - — – - – — ah, you get the idea lol

Thomas Handsome is a radio “personality” on 89.5 FM in Columbia, MO and on FleetDJRadio.net. You can also catch his “Dumb Up Mixshow” on AT&T U-Verse and his vocal stylings on numerous advertisements. His top life achievement is being the Goonie who said die, and has received praises about his “gorgeous di*ckishness” personality from avid listener Julia Louise Dreyfuss. He is best known as the 38th favorite rapper of his step-son, and for being known of by Kirstie Alley. “Yeah, I know of him, but sh*it I wish it didn’t” – Kirstie Alley. More information is available at http://www.thomashandsome.com

The Hip Hop Head Remembers: Kurious Jorge – A Constipated Monkey (1994)

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I bet alot of folks don’t know what you’re talking about when you sing the hook “Walk Like A Duck” in regards to disregarding whatever it is they’re requesting, and we can owe that term to the one and only Kurious Jorge. Now when you ask the younger generation if they heard “A Constipated Monkey” most will say “Not since I went to the Bronx zoo in 8th Grade” but I’m not asking about that kind of constipated monkey, I’m asking about the 1994 classic by Upper Westside emcee Kurious. That’s Jorge spelled with a “J” not with a “G”.

This takes me back to the days of Fresh fades, Jeans tucked into your timbs, Acura Legend’s, Super sweet chinese restaurant lemonade, and the honeys wearing cut off shorts, bamboo earrings, combat boots, and Jansports. 94 was a definitely a good year, and this was a great addition to the music collection, and after 19 years.. still is, and always will be.

I got my first introduction to Kurious on the classic Del The Funky Homosapien track “Boo Boo Heads” and when “Uptown Sh*T” dropped, I couldn’t wait to cop the album, which of course, I copped at the good ole Amboy Mall. With production featuring Psycho Les, Pete Nice (3rd Bass), Bobbito, and Daddy Rich, A Constipated Monkey is one of those records that offers a timeless sound, that until even today sounds real fresh as soon as you hit play. So as I listened to it again, after many countless spins I’ve given this project, I wanted to pay tribute to the record, cause it definitely was some dope Uptown Shit.

“Walk Like A Duck”

“Uptown Hit”

“I’m Kurious”

Cop the album on Amazon.

Thomas Handsome – Nas Didn’t Deserve To Win (Commentary)

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How about that?? That shit catch your attention??

Before you immediately go straight to the next post, let me say this- of all the nominees, Nas sure as shit did deserve to win the Grammy for Rap Album of the Year. He and The Roots were the only 2 nominees that I consider to be Hip-Hop/Rap, and honestly, a snub’s a snub.

But who didn’t see Drake’s win coming, right?

Before I cut straight to the chase (you’d like that a little too much), let me first address a few issues that lead me down the path that I’m taking you on. I’m not going to argue what’s rap, what’s hip-hop, what the difference between the 2 is or any of that shit. We would be here forever because each fan/artist has their own view on it. I’ve heard a lot of viewpoints on the matter, and honestly, no one has been 100% right and no one has been 100% wrong. If you’ve been a fan since Rakim had hair- or, for the audience who doesn’t know who Rakim is- since Lil Wang claimed to be 14 years old for the 1st time in the 90’s, then you probably have your own, somewhat respectable insight on the matter. I’ll just assume you understand what those genres are (to you, anyway), and move right along.

Last week my wife and I were listening to Ed Lover’s halfway stomach-able show on Backspin (Sirius/XM, ho’s!), and he bitched for about 5 minutes straight about how Nas should have won the Grammy for Album of the Year. I looked at my wife and said that I felt that he should have won, too. She looked at me matter-of-factly and said, “Doesn’t the Grammy’s represent the opinion of the people?”

DING-DING-DING!!!! We have a winner!! (Yet another reason why I married the fine, young thing!)

The Grammy’s should be about the people, and celebrating the top acts of each genre over the course of a calendar year. It should make each of us want to watch, as fans of the art, to see what great artist is going to drop a great performance. Instead, we watch out of obligation at what is sure to be a dog porn that rewards (at best) mediocre talent with accolades that were once reserved for the musical gods. Fuck, I don’t even watch the shit any more because of what has become of the whole Rap category. So my apologies if I’m being too harsh on the other genres that are considered for these awards. Maybe the heads over there get shit right to some extent (I don’t know who the fuck a Goat Eye is- maybe she’s dope, I wouldn’t know). However, like most people who run the more recognizable institutions in music, they are out of touch with the full spectrum of the consumer.

Quick case in point, look no further than Jay and Kanye’s wins this year for singles off of their Watch The Throne album. No disrespect, but that project is a colossal hunk of shit that no critic or true fan (outside the Jigga and Kane die-hards) received well. But, because of two songs that were all over the place, they won for… being popular enough in the past to get average songs some coverage, I guess? Point is that the 2 “award winning” songs- from an objective standpoint- were probably not as great as the mp3’s were tagged to lead you to believe. (Speaking of which, at least Slaughterhouse’s Shady debut didn’t slip onto the Grammy ballots, I’ll give them that much).

Now back to the subject at hand. The Rap category was full of Pop artists- one of which won an award for the best rap album of the year. Hey, Drake wins a Grammy- good for him!

But he’s not Rap.

Nor is he Hip-Hop.

He is- say it with me- a pop artist.

If the people who run the Grammy’s want to give out awards that don’t match the material, that’s fine by me. But I expect to see Metallica win in the soft rock category next year with Nelly taking home an award in the Country category (did I reference the Nelly Country song in 2 posts in a row?? Fuck is wrong with me??). It’s gotten to a point where winning the Grammy in Hip-Hop is like getting 5 Mics in the Source in the March 2013 issue- it doesn’t mean shit. At least, it doesn’t mean what it used to. That’s a shame because there are numerous artists who have won a Grammy in the past that were more than deserving of it. Unfortunately, we can’t treat it like baseball and put an asterisk next to previous winners, denoting that it’s when the award “used to mean shit”. They will instead fall victim of the times, tainted by the sugary no-substance works that are being awarded now. In the words of my idol Kenny Powers, “Like Lance Armstrong, I went to the moon and back- and no one gives a fuck”. (I did just manage to slip in another Eastbound & Down reference on you hussies, though!)

The time has come where there needs to be separation between the Top 40 rappers- who used to be child TV stars, prison guards and “carriers” for their former bosses- and the guys who never took that route. Who slaved day in and day out and never gave a fuck about the mainstream when it came to their music. The ones who didn’t feel the need to do a pop record when Ja Rule was blowing shit up with that formula a thousand years ago. The ones who remained true to themselves and stayed persistent to their craft, even if that meant going against the grain. After all, isn’t that what hip-hop is all about?

The solution? I’m sure there are a lot of options, but I feel that category needs to be introduced to fully represent the opinion of the people. I, for one, feel that the best Hip-Hop album last year wasn’t any of the ones mentioned. Nas made a very nice album- one of his better ones, actually. But I liked Chino XL, J-Love (which no one heard- do yourself the favor and check it out), Sean Price, Craig G, yada, yada, yada better. Not that those guys would ever win, even with new categories. My opinion won’t ever mean shit to the people who create these things- so don’t go getting your hopes up.

However, the new trend in pop music now is, and has been for some time, rap. Singers rapping in their songs, so called rappers rapping over techno, rappers singing in auto-tune… so on, and so forth. None of this is “Rap/Hip-Hop”, it’s pop. So, why not have categories reflecting the difference? Rock and Roll music has forever evolved and changed with the times- which I’m all for- but when Limp Bizkit won their Grammy for “Nookie” (D-Rok’s favorite song), did they win in the Rock and Roll category? No, they won in the Hard Rock category because the Grammy organization recognized the evolution of the Rock genre, just as it has with others. The Soul category branched off into R&B, Soul Gospel etc. Pop categories have branched off into Dance, and Best Male Performance has branched off into Lady Gaga. (I don’t even know in what way that I mean that lol)

I do know that I’m on a roll with the references today, but I feel that Hip-Hop is so diverse now that they can recognize and respect that, and create sub-categories as well. The avid Hip-Hop listener doesn’t consider 2 Chains and Nas to be in the same genre, yet to the folks at the Grammy’s, they are. Just as Coolio, 2pac and Biggie were in 1996 when Coolio won for Gangsta’s Paradise over Dear Mama and Big Poppa respectively… there I go doing research again and throwing out obscure references.

Imagine the day when Lil Waynge wins for best Pop Rap performance and Thirstin Howl III wins for best Hip-Hop performance…. M.O.P. winning for best Hardcore Hip-Hop album and Necro winning for best Horrorcore Hip-Hop album. Then, I feel, we would all be satisfied with how the Grammy’s reflect our opinions and feelings about music. It’s a nice thought, I know, but it’s something that will never come to fruition. We will continue to see the Fergie’s and Nikki Minaj’s of the world nominated and ultimately become the pop culture face of our beloved lifestyle/genre while the Statik Selektah’s and Action Bronson’s go unappreciated. Better yet, while the DJ Doom’s and Blacastan’s go unappreciated (or any example of who fully embodies Hip-Hop, on any level).

Hopefully you rode with me that whole time and now understand where I’m coming from when, upon further consideration, I say this:

Nas didn’t deserve to win the Grammy, because, say it with me, Grammy’s are awarded to pop artists.

Thomas Handsome is a radio “personality” on 89.5 FM in Columbia, Mo and on FleetDJRadio.net. You can also catch his “Dumb Up Mixshow” on AT&T U-Verse. His top life achievement is owning the robot from Rocky IV, and has received praises about his “adorable sh*thead” personality from avid listener Mindy Cohn. He is best known as the (now) 29th favorite rapper of his step-son, and for being known of by Elizabeth Shue. “Yeah, I know of him- he’s a d*ck” – Elizabeth Shue. More information is available at http://www.thomashandsome.com

Mainstream Rap: A Pipeline to Prison? By Sebastien Elkouby (Commentary)

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By Sebastien Elkouby

In early 2012, a controversial anonymous letter entitled “The Secret Meeting That Changed Rap Music and Destroyed a Generation” hit the internet by storm. The letter, which claims that an unnamed top music industry executive promoted gangsta rap to fill private prisons, was published by hundreds of blogs and websites and was reposted on countless forums, Twitter and Facebook profiles. Across social media, everyone from Public Enemy’s Chuck D to Freeway Ricky Ross had something to say about it. Various YouTube videos were posted to discuss the anonymous letter and translations of the letter were posted in French, Spanish and other languages for international audiences. The Huffington Post even published a critique questioning the validity of the claims made by the anonymous author who, fearing for his wellbeing, provided no names or details that might reveal his identity.

Many skeptics called the letter a hoax due to its poor writing style and general inconsistencies, yet an overwhelming number of people accepted its “facts” at face value. While I have my own concerns regarding the letter’s authenticity, the core message does touch on a frightening reality which doesn’t require any anonymous claims to prove it as truth. This may be why the letter has struck such a nerve with internet audiences. The private prison industrial complex is very real and the people and entities behind it will go to surprising lengths to sustain it.

Although I haven’t come across information confirming the music industry’s direct investment in private prisons, it is public knowledge that General Electric, which co-owns Universal Entertainment, the home of Interscope Records and Def Jam, is the nation’s largest weapons manufacturer as well as a huge investor in private prisons. Both record labels are well known for promoting criminal elements through their music, with Interscope’s Death Row Records probably being the greatest purveyor of “gangsta rap” in history. The notion that there may be a connection between a company that glorifies crime as entertainment and a company that manufactures weapons and invests in prison-for-profit is disturbing to say the least.

But the idea that the music industry has manipulated rap music to glorify misogyny, violence, drugs and materialism is a common belief held in Hip Hop circles. Many artists such as Rhymefest, Wise Intelligent and Too Short have shared their personal experiences which clearly point to a deliberate attempt by the music industry to silence and suppress Hip Hop music with substance. The belief that music (and media in general) can be used as a medium of social engineering is nothing new. In the 1970’s, Black music was already being studied by university researchers to learn how it could be manipulated to ultimately increase consumerism in mainstream markets. In 1990, the release of the book “Hit Men: Power Brokers and Fast Money Inside the Music Business” also points to corrupt business practices which place profit over ethics.

What seems to bother skeptics who simply see the anonymous letter as a cheesy conspiracy theory is the lack of verifiable information to back up its astounding claim. Sadly, as unbelievable as it may be, sicker things have happened which were once labeled “conspiracy theories” until the supporting evidence was uncovered and documented. Ridiculing conspiracy theories may be popular amongst self-righteous contrarians, but their mockeries ring hollow in the face of the following real-life documented government conspiracies.

The Tuskegee Experiment

The CIA-Sponsored Crack Epidemic

CoIntelPro

However, the focus of this article is on the claims that music industry executives invested in private prisons and promoted gangsta rap to influence young people into a life of crime, ultimately leading to higher incarceration and increased profits for those investors.

Michelle Alexander, civil rights attorney and author of the bestselling book “The New Jim Crow: Mass Incarceration in the Age of Colorblindness”, lays out the horrible truth about the private prison industrial complex in painstaking details. And while she makes no mention of the music industry’s involvement, the truth she uncovers is much more sinister than our anonymous letter could ever suggest.

Despite the letter’s elusive origin, is it really so difficult to fathom that a handful of key players in the entertainment industry would plot such a horrifying scheme when the truth is much more twisted than anyone could possibly imagine? But if you still need convincing, the following links should wake you up!

Judge Gets 28 Years for Receiving Money from Private Prison to Send Juveniles to Jail

Lawmakers’ relatives work for private prison company

Wells Fargo bank invests in private prisons

Michigan governor cuts Detroit education spending and increases money to prisons

Prisons funded better than schools in Michigan

Prison Industries: “Don’t Let Society Improve or We Lose Business”

Top 7 Reasons Why You Should Invest in Private Prison!

Follow the Prison Money Trail: Private prison companies invest millions in elections

How the Political Strategies of Private Prisons Promote Ineffective Incarceration Policies

Private Prison Corporations Are Modern Day Slave Traders

The Prison Industrial Complex

Private prison statistics

And the list goes on.

While there might not have been an actual plot to lead young rap fans to prison, the glorification of criminal or risky behavior in mainstream rap couldn’t possibly have been beneficial for young people over the last two generations. After all, how has “Molly”, mainstream rap’s new trendy drug, been so carelessly promoted by major record companies? Since the beginning of the year, at least 10 songs about Molly have already been released. And while most of us understand that the so-called “War on Drugs”, not rap music, is responsible for the incarceration rate, too many of us seem blind to the fact that Rick Ross, 2 Chainz, Trinidad James, Chief Keef, French Montana and all these other rappers are the public spokespeople for an industry that undoubtedly makes money influencing impressionable minds to engage in dangerous (and often illegal) activities.

This isn’t an attack on Hip Hop. There are countless new MC’s, despite being lesser known then their commercial counterparts, who are creative, insightful and keep Hip Hop alive. A matter of fact, it seems that in 2013, a change may be on the horizon with a new crop of innovative artists starting to make noise without the help of the mainstream industry. With that said, there are still more Black and Latino men in jail now than at any other time in our nation’s history. We need to move beyond arguing about the validity of conspiracy theories and deal with the reality of undeniable facts. And while rappers need to be held accountable for their images and lyrics, we also need to see who’s behind them, pulling the strings. Our youth are in serious jeopardy and it isn’t merely a theory. We must take an active role in educating and empowering young people with the proper information. Or, we can stay stuck in front of our computers debating and arguing our opinions while the frightening truth about the private prison industrial complex is right under our nose.

About the Author:

Sebastien Elkouby is a Hip Hop Culture historian and educator. Check out his blog: sebishiphop.wordpress.com and his educational program, Global Awareness through Hip Hop Culture. Contact him at sebastienelkouby@gmail.com or on Twitter @SebIsHipHop (Although he rarely uses it!)

Thomas Handsome – Why I Won’t Play Your Sh*T! (Commentary)

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Why I Won’t Play Your Shit

Okay, maybe not me personally… Okay, me personally. But, I know many share the same sentiment.

Let me ask you a question- how many of you have sent your song/video link to a DJ or website via Twitter? Now, how many of you have actually seen the intent of your spamming carried out the way you hoped that it would?

E-fucking-xactly!

Let me be the first to tell you- nobody wants to hear your shit. I mean, NOBODY wants to hear your shit! In my early days of being a DJ, I would listen to the drivel that came my way on social networking sites, be it on my wall or “@” me. What resulted was a bunch of nonsense that was poorly crafted and put together musically- I could give a fuck about the quality of the video. I’m not MTV, or whatever channel that actually plays videos now.

It’s even hard for me to listen to MP3’s that get sent to my submission email. What once was a beautiful medium for dope music to be sent my way has long ago been tainted by so-called rappers who got their hands on my email address. It’s really an unfortunate trend, because there is music out there that I would play that goes unnoticed because of this. I want to listen, I really, really do. It would make my job so much easier to just be able to open up my account- any account- and have my work for the week just laying there for me. It just doesn’t ever pan out that way, so I stopped actively trying.

There are several factors that key in to why things are this way. One of which is people sending “street”- or songs that are unedited for content- to my FM radio submission email. You are aware that there are Federal laws prohibiting me from playing “Staring Through Your Butthole To Your Pussy” on broadcast airwaves, right? …Right??

Another factor is the mass email. Now look, I’m all about the mass email. It makes shit easier, and that’s fine by me. But why are you going to send a radio DJ an email with only a video link in it? Do you think I’m going to watch it and then beg you to send me the MP3? Or let’s say instead you sent me a song that features Wacka Flocka Wang *ahem* Flame on it, and it’s produced by whatever asshole it is that makes 2Chainz beats. Have you ever listened to my shows?? Do you even know who I am?? Not trying to be a dick, but I play Sean Price. I play Craig G. I DON’T play shit that sounds like what you sent me, and have NO intention of doing so. In fact, on some of my shows, I really CAN’T play that shit, even if I wanted to, because it’s my JOB to play underground Hip-Hop (as in the subgenre; you’re not “underground” just because I no one knows who you are). If I DID happen to play something you mass emailed me, would you take the time out to thank me? Or tell your people to tune in because you’re featured on the show? I already know the answer to those questions. “Blast” services who send out records on your behalf get a pass because I can unsubscribe if they consistently send me things that are of no use to me. But, I can’t opt out of you being a dumbass.

Basically put, the reason no one wants to play your shit is because you didn’t take the time to learn about who you are sending your music to.

Do you think that Plies (is he still a relevant, shitty rapper?) ever took the time out to send his shit to DJ Premier, expecting him to play it? Transversely, do you think that someone like Spit Gemz would send his shit to DJ Drama? I mean, they could, but the artist and DJ don’t match. It would be like trying to sell tampons to a gay man. It’s pointless… or at best wouldn’t be consumed for it’s intended purpose. Spit Gemz fans don’t typically listen to DJ Drama and vice-versa.

The point of this isn’t to be any bigger of an asshole than I already am, but to let you understand the perspective of the DJ and the blogger. We wish all of you the best- well, most of you, anyway- but at the end of the day you’re wasting everyone’s time by blindly sending your shit to us. There’s no reason to “@” anyone your ‘twerk’ video. That’s what the fuck a timeline is for. I know it’s hard to get the coverage you deserve, but you gotta strategize, man. Actively search for places that carry/play music that is similar to yours and you’ll be better off in the long run. And if you’re that dickhole who says “My music transcends all genres”- do me a favor and diarrhea on an electric fence. No rapper’s music does that (Don’t you EVEN bring up the Nelly country song right now!!!).

But, if you get someone to play or post your music, take the time out to thank them. Even if it’s just by acknowledging it on Facebook or Twitter- a little recognition goes a long way. Just remember where you’d be without these outlets and opportunities… You don’t think I got on this site by treating D-Rok like a dick, do you? And if you send your music to someone who doesn’t post/play it, be thankful for the opportunity and move on to the next one. No reason to get all butthurt and start pussyaching about how so-and-so is a “hater” because they don’t like your music. (On a side note, can we PLEASE stop using the term “hater”?! Adolf Hitler had “haters”. Osama Bin Laden had “haters”. YOU are some bitch from the middle of nowhere who has a heightened sense of self-entitlement that needs to get over their self).

…And since we’re on the subject (kinda), don’t spell your name extra stupid. You could have the illest track I’ve ever heard, but if your name is “Revolution” and you spell it “Reivioliutioin”- I’m not going to play your shit because I don’t want to have to spell your ridiculous ass name every time I have to log your song when I play it! Since we’re on the subject of names, don’t steal someone’s name either. If you’re just getting started in rap, google the name you want to use before going with it. I WILL NOT play Mann Perrish when I play Man Perish. Plus, it makes you look like a cock with no respect for the roots or foundation of the culture and craft.

In summary, do your homework and be respectful. That’s all we can ask for. You don’t have to kiss everyone’s ass, but if you keep it chill then you’ll go a lot farther than you’d think. Also, let me throw it out there that I am only speaking on my behalf in this commentary. Not every DJ and webmaster feels the exact same way… though I do have it on good authority that most of them do!

Thomas Handsome – Who’s To Blame For The 2 Dimensional Rapper (Commentary)

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First off, I want to welcome Thomas Handsome, who’s joining The Hip Hop Head team. He will be blessing us with Op-Ed’s and Hip Hop Commentary a couple times a month. So look out for more from the homie in the future on the blog. Salute! – Deerok

Who’s To Blame For The 2 Dimensional Rapper

A week or two back, I received a track from Queens native Meyhem Lauren called “The Laurenovich Angle (Fuck Pitchfork)”. I had no fucking clue what Pitchfork was, but it’s Meyhem Lauren, so of course I gave it a listen. Apparently they reviewed his latest album and he was none too pleased by the critique. I can understand his frustration because his “Mandatory Brunch Meetings” is a dope project, but still it struck me as being odd that he’d take the time to pen a response. I mean, not everyone is going to like your shit- that’s just science.

Then a few days later I hear about a turd named Chief Quief… er… Keef being arrested over an interview he did with a website named Pitchfork in which he incriminated himself in some fashion, resulting in a 60 day sentence for parole violation (I think he got extra for crying in public? I’d need to check the facts, though). Instantly the review and song from Meyhem Lauren made sense to me. Still to this moment I have never been to that site, but any publication that interviews someone like Chief Keef is a publication that I need not waste my time with. In the words of my idol Kenny Powers, “I play real sports. Not trying to be the best at fucking exercising”.

Why am I even bothering with bringing this shit up?

Because it may not be Chief Keef’s fault that he’s such a dumbass…

Hear me out.

I did a little research on the tyke and found out that he is signed to Interscope Records, mostly due to a few youtube videos and a couple singles that popped in Chicago. Fan-fucking-tastic. But does that sound familiar to you? Any Justin Beiber fans browse this site? No? How about Soulja Boy fans? Still no? …that bitch that sings that “Friday” song? No? Well goddamn!

Anyway, this is the new way that these record companies hand out contracts. They find any asshole with a couple hundred thousand hits on the internet that has a song that their cousin ran through Pro-tools and sign them. Long gone are the days of spotting raw talent, grooming them for longevity and waiting for them to blossom into megastars. Once upon a time a record company would never, EVER have though twice about signing a 16 year old with a heroin charge- it would have been too much work and way too much of a liability. So, why the sudden change in the industry standards?

Major labels no longer have an Artist Development department.

That’s right, the guys who are supposed to help these rappers learn proper business etiquette, for lack of a better term, are closed for business. There’s no wonder why I get artists- who I really didn’t want to interview in the first place- coming in to my FM studio smelling of weed and alcohol at 3 o’clock in the goddamn afternoon. There’s no excuse for that shit (minus Afroman, who was a very lovely guest, incase you were wondering). Then those same guys have ZERO personality, SHIT for quality recording, NO subject matter in their writing and STILL HOUND ME ABOUT WHY I DON’T PLAY THEIR SHIT OR WANT TO DO ANOTHER INTERVIEW!!

Plain and fucking simple: you have no idea how to handle yourself in this setting.

The music business is just that- a business. I may like to curse, smoke cigarettes and fart something fierce, but I would never do that in a professional setting. I do that shit on my own time. Nor would I mention a fart I made a few hours ago in an interview, unless I was on Howard Stern. As entertaining as that shit may be, the places that choose to show interest in you don’t have you on as a guest to ask about your gastrointestinal movements or about how much you sell a key for- they have you on because you can fucking rap.

That’s the problem now days, no one is there to tell these new artists these things. No one is there to tell them that talking about shit like that may not be good for their “image”. Not one employee is there at these labels to look out for their best interests in this business. And don’t give me that bullshit about it being their manager’s job to do this. You and I both know that their “manager” is their fucking girlfriend, childhood friend or some other form of yes man. You can fuck right off with that suggestion.

All of the aforementioned is because these companies don’t view their talent as “long term investments”. The labels no longer look for artists with potential to be different; to teach them to harness it into something profitable. They go with what’s looking good on the internet and try to get a piece of it. It’s these out of touch 50 and 60 year old label heads, who have been there since before Peaches And Herb reunited, that have no idea how to turn a profit in the digital age. So instead of thinking outside the box and/or hiring fresh blood to try to hit the problem head-on, they got rid of crucial departments in their company and hand out money to fucktard rappers in hopes that they can resurrect their dividends. That’s not going to happen, not with that blueprint.

Look, I’m not here to offer answers on how to make money off of music in 2013. I’m not going to sit here and speculate on why music on the radio is so horrible and repetitive, or when we can expect a shift in the tastes of the general public. All I am saying is this:

Is Chief Keef a fucking dumass?

Without a doubt.

Even if the shit he talks about in his records is his reality, he shouldn’t be out there snitching on himself (didn’t we learn anything from C-Murder?). Take a page from Titty Tuesday Ross- people will still buy your shit if you are not who you portray yourself as in music. No one has to know you really do the shit you say you do. Don’t be on the next episode of “When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong”. Personally, I’d like to get rich and not go to jail. However, what’s done is done and he will be serving 60 days in jail over some shit he said on the internet.

All of this could have been prevented in a number of ways, but the liability rests on the people at Interscope Records for not properly grooming this child. If they had any legitimate interest in helping this kid, I’d be writing about how much sex I’d like to do to Kreyshawn instead (none). Or why Machine Gun Kelly is like 20 with a tracheotomy scar (meth). Yet, here we are, discussing yet another mistake made by the players in the music industry… this one, perhaps, being the never ending blunder.

Never thought I’d say this: Chief Keef is a fucking stupid douchebag, and it’s not his fault.

Thomas Handsome is a radio “personality” on 89.5 FM in Columbia, Mo and on FleetDJRadio.net. You can also catch his “Dumb Up Mixshow” on AT&T U-Verse. He once TKO’d Mike Tyson for the first time at the age of 28 (on NES’ “Mike Tyson’s Punchout”) and has received praises about his “lovable dirtbag” personality from avid listener Fran Drescher. He is best known as the 17th favorite rapper of his step-son, and for being known of by Brandy Norwood. “Yeah, I’ve heard of him” – Brandy Norwood. More information is available at http://www.thomashandsome.com

CyberChimps