Oh yes I fucking did.
Before I get started, let me first say that the views and expressions that you are about to read are solely mine, and mine alone. But if you feel like I feel, then I encourage you to join me in this endeavor.
For those of you who don’t watch shit on youtube or watch Tosh.0, there is a kid named Krispy Kreme who is, for a lack of a better term, a rapper on youtube. Over the past 13 months he has accumulated 3.5 million views on this video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mA-V2y7-rLA. He averages around a half a million views on his other songs on the website and seems to put a lot of effort into the quality of the visuals of his workings. He is currently unsigned and continues to be greeted with success, as far as views go at least.
Did I mention that he’s awful? Like, horribly, horribly awful? I feel as though that should be noted at this point.
And here’s the shit I did mention- he’s better than you.
I receive literally thousands of songs in my email every week (on top of a job I have reviewing songs on a licensing site- which, all you rappers out there, I we will be discussing in the near future). A few good ones, some okay ones and a lot of bad ones. These songs are bad for either one or a combination of reasons- it sounded like it was recorded in a port-o-potty on a windy day, the content is redundant, the rhyme pattern/scheme is very basic, the lyrics are off beat, the artist is trying too hard to make his long rhymes land on beat, the beat is made with stock sounds from computer programs- basically, a lot of reasons. When I hear these songs I’ve deemed as “bad” or “unusable”, seldom do I ever find myself longing to listen to more, or to listen again, because they are… well, terrible songs. Plain, terrible songs.
Krispy Kreme, on the other hand, is brilliantly terrible.
And I know it represents everything that’s wrong with Hip-Hop. I know it features a “tagged” beat that he downloaded from the parasitic website known as Soundclick and that he’s a kid from the suburbs flashing guns and talking about shit that he’s never done…. I can’t believe I just wrote that last sentence, like someone out there takes him seriously or something…. I know it’s just another youtube rapper with another meaningless song. But like a monkey eating his own shit, you can’t help but to watch in utter awe. Maybe it’s the part of me that enjoys Canadian/British humor, but that kid is entertaining as hell. His music is so bad that I actually want to hear more.
In the video I linked above, there are a lot of quotables. Matter of fact, that song is one big ass quotable. If you still haven’t seen it, even though I gave your lazy ass the link to watch the motherfucker, I will break it down for you- but after this, you’re on your own.
This kid literally claims the following:
-To be able to beat you up if you had one thousand knives
-To have more money than Jay-Z
-To have made out with every girl in the world
-To have 400 houses
-To have 400 cars
-To have 400 scars
-To have 400 guitars
-To have beaten up every person in jail
-To have fought 2 lions and won
Amongst other things.
That shit is funny- but this is where the truth is about to leave you with 400 scars.
If you recall the part of this post where I told you about how many songs that hit my email on a weekly basis, you can pretty much surmise that I’ve heard a lot of music in my time. A majority of this music is nothing but “serious rappers” claiming to have all sorts of shit that they don’t have in reality, or to have done a lot of balderdash shit that no one would actually do (notice a pattern?). However when these artists say these things in their songs- it’s not done creatively. I am not entertained. I am not eager to open up their next email. I am not inclined to reply to their mailing. I am not itching to hear more and for fucking sure not eager to play any of their music on my shows. I don’t want to play watered down, unoriginal, dim music on any of my shows; which I am thankful that I have the luxury to turn away music like this as most radio DJ’s are forced to play such absurdity.
If you make this kind of music, let me pose you this question: What makes me want to play your song over the thousands of others I receive in my inbox every week that sounds identical to yours? And if you’ve learned from my previous posts (deciding not to send me any of your singles because I don’t play dumb shit), what makes you think that a DJ who does play ignorant music will play yours over, say, TI or Young Jessy? It’s the. Same. Old. Shit.
Please excuse me as I veer away from my current train of thought, but I do so in order to pick back up where I’m leaving you now. I know, very Terrantino-esque.
As stated numerous times, and in the signature of every post that I do, I have an FM show where I am allowed to play underground hip-hop.. you know, the shit that you usually have to pay SiriusXM to hear in a radio format? (Check me out, I’m half-way listenable… after all, I was recently nominated as radio personality of the year and for radio show of the year amongst other nominations… No, seriously, I was. Look it up.) My show invades the airwaves of a college town, and because of this, I get new listeners who don’t know what the show is about. They just hear hip-hop and assume I’m some goddamn pop DJ that will play what you want to hear because they’re self-entitled… No bitch, it is I who is the one that is self-entitled. I have built a following of true hip-hop fans that dedicate their Saturday afternoons to tuning in to hear new underground hip-hop, classic records and whatever bullshit comes out of my mouth. Basically, and I know I’m beyond sounding like a dick here (not trying to, just stating facts), the die hard listeners all over the globe know me enough by now to know that I don’t cater to bullshit. Not when it comes to music, anyway.
So it wasn’t a surprise to anyone last week when I received a request on air from someone who obviously had never heard my show before. I’ll paraphrase, but it went something like this:
Caller: Hey, what song are you playing right now?
Me: “Home Made Hotsauce” by Spit Gemz
Caller: Oh… Do you have “blah blah blah (note: I tuned that part out) by Future?
Me: I’ll get that right on for you.
I proceeded to go on air and say that I had a request for a song by Future. I then pressed play on “Baddest Of Them All” by Krispy Kreme.
Because I’m an asshole.
Also because if you want me to play a shitty song, I’m going to play a shitty song that I enjoy.
A shitty song, that is better than the shitty song you requested I to play.
This is now the way I will handle requests for songs that I do not and will not play. If you want to hear the shit you just asked me for, tune in to the payola station down the knob- trust me, it’s for the best.
If you have a radio show and are bombarded with requests for things that you can’t tell the difference between, this is an apt equalizer. Swift, to the point and entertaining to the audience that you are actually playing for- not the 14 year old whose internet isn’t working at the moment. Got a request for Rick Ross? Krispy Kreme. Someone on the line want to hear the new Rosco Dash (is there new Rosco Dash?) – Krispy Kreme. Someone hit you on twitter asking you to spin some Goochie Man? Krispy Kreme.
See how easy and fun that is?
And- my personal favorite- if you get a dude from down the block who is requesting his own shit, hanging up, handing the phone off to his mom and having her call in and request his shit, you tell him no and play Krispy Kreme instead. If the up-and-coming artist crowd had the ability to remove themselves from the situation and analyze it from a non-bias standpoint, you wouldn’t have to hurt their feelings. But, they always get butthurt, and then you have to tell them this:
I will not play your shit, because Krispy Kreme is better than you.
This has been based on a true story. The motherfucking end. – Kenny Powers
And also, Thomas Handsome.
Thomas Handsome is a radio “personality” on 89.5 FM in Columbia, MO and on FleetDJRadio.net. You can also catch his “Dumb Up Mixshow” on AT&T U-Verse and his vocal stylings on numerous advertisements. His top moment in life is beating Johnny for the All-Valley Karate Championship, and has received glowing reviews about his “fuc*king dipsh*it” personality from avid listener Paula Poundstone. He is best known as the 78th favorite rapper of his step-son, and for trying to turn on Janine Garaffalo at a swimming pool. “Stupid di*ck did a cannonball in front of me and now I’m all wet!” – Janine Garaffalo. More information is available at http://www.thomashandsome.com